


Take It Personal

by DragonSilk



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Porn With Very Little Plot, Smut, crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-05-25 15:48:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6201373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonSilk/pseuds/DragonSilk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their carpets matched their drapes...</p>
<p>...and you were never going to get laid if you kept laughing at them. </p>
<p>Connecting ficlets. Sheer crack.<br/>Reader/Various</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Princess [Yami Yugi]

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking with some friends about whether or not Yugi's carpet matched the drapes. Then this ficlet was born. It really is crack. So much crack. Nothing serious to be had here.

Yami's tight leather pants made you beyond hot and bothered. As he fumbled with his keys, you pressed your lips against his neck teasingly. Your arms wrapped around him from behind, and you pressed your body against his back. 

You wanted him. Right here. Right now. 

He moaned and dropped his keys the moment your teeth began tugging on his earlobe. He was forced to push you away to retrieve his keys, and you stared at his ass. Encased in leather and presented to you as he was bending over, it was just begging for you to grope it. You ran your hand from the edge of his pants down before grabbing the bottom of his ass. 

“Let me open the door first.” His voice was husky and belied his lust. 

He finally got the door open. The two of you barely cleared the doorway before he shoved you against the wall and grabbed your ass with both of his hands. He yanked your hips into his own. His leather pants did nothing to hide how hard he was. 

You grabbed his shoulders as you arched up, pressing your hips harder into his own and wrapping a leg around him. One of his hands ran up your body until it was squeezing a clothed breast, and you knew that you didn't want to put up with any foreplay tonight. 

You grabbed his spiky hair and pulled him toward you for a kiss as both your feet found the ground again. Then you sank down to your knees and began undoing his pants. 

Any protests he might have had became groans as your hands brushed against his clothed erection. His belts were **complicated** and half of your teasing was accidental. 

You finally managed to undo his belts and unbutton his pants. When you shoved down the tight leather, his underwear went with it, leaving you to face his penis. 

Your jaw dropped as you stared at all the pubic hair surrounding it. The base was blonde with some black and red streaks. _That color was natural!_

But what really made you break down laughing was the way some sections were longer than others. He didn't just have spiky hair on his head! 

As you leaned against the wall, roaring with laughter, you could see his confusion. 

“It's...” Laughter. “Your princess!” You clutched your stomach and curled up. You were laughing that hard. “She's surrounded by spikes!” 

The confusion went away. Yami just glared at you as he pulled up his pants. “I think it's time for you to go home.” 

You weren't done laughing. “Is that your form of protection?” 

He kicked you out, and you laughed like a lunatic the entire way home.


	2. Flowers [Seto Kaiba]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the only important note for this is that **this is season zero Kaiba's features**. Creeper gold eyes and green hair. 
> 
> Also, I have it all planned out through like the fifth part, and this is turning into a bad porn. (Only not since nobody ever gets any sex. xD) Forgive me for my cracky cracky mind. ;D
> 
> Joey is up to bat next. 
> 
> Enjoy~

Maybe Yami had nosey neighbors, or perhaps your laughter as you left his place woke them all up. Either way, the story that you laughed at the King of Games instead of sleeping with him made its way around Domino.

It even caught the ear of Seto Kaiba. The story caused him to offer to pleasure you in ways that his nemesis never could. Or something like that. Honestly you just heard sex with a hot man and said, “Hell yes!”

It turned out that laughter wasn't very satisfying.

So you found yourself at Seto Kaiba's mansion, staring directly into his orange-gold eyes as he appraised you. The way he was looking you over made you feel more like an animal on display. Any moment, you expected him to walk up to you and pry open your mouth so he could inspect your teeth.

“Strip,” he ordered. You had apparently passed his inspection.

You didn't obey him instantly. You were too surprised that he would just order you to strip like that. Then you began to unbutton your shirt. He was one of the sexiest men in town, and you were sexually frustrated. You tried to give him a decent strip tease. Except you were too nervous and ended up undressing faster than you intended.

Now you were down to just your bra and underwear. You teasingly hooked your thumbs in the edge of your underwear before your attention landed on the bulge in his pants. “Shall I continue?” you teased.

He growled. “Yes.”

You took a few steps toward him. “But right now you're looking very overdressed.”

He stood, and you couldn't stop yourself from backing away as he moved toward you. He grabbed you, pulling you into his chest. You felt his hand slide up your back before he unhooked your bra. Then you were abruptly pushed away so he could pull your bra off. It was tossed somewhere before his hand cupped your breast and his thumb roughly slid over your nipple.

His other hand slipped into your underwear, and you gasped as his fingers slid down until they were pressing against your opening. You were turned on. You knew you were turned on, and his smirk told you that he knew too.

He pulled away from you. “On your knees.”

You whimpered at the sudden loss of contact but did as he ordered. You reached forward, putting a hand on his crotch, and you were rewarded with an approving nod from Kaiba. As you undid his pants, you wondered if he worked on that poker face or if he really was unimpressed with your performance so far.

Well that wouldn't do. You pulled down his pants and boxers and found yourself staring at his hardened cock.

You had the best intentions. You were going to give him the best damn blow job he'd ever had. You were determined to see his face contorted in pleasure.

Until that patch of green hair distracted you. You never expected his green hair to be natural, and now you were wondering what the odds of that were. Two men with naturally weird hair in a row? Maybe there was something in Domino's water?

You reached forward and ran a finger around the base of his cock, through the green hair. “It's like a patch of grass!” you declared.

Kaiba choked back a moan and pulled away from you. “What did you just say?!”

“It's like a patch of grass!” You grinned. “Or maybe it's a bush? You've got a bush!”

Kaiba was not as amused. “Get out!” He pulled his pants back up.

You couldn't stop yourself at this point. The words just came out. “Did you want me to find a flower for your bush~?”

You were so dead.


	3. Fluffy [Joey]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1: This is Joey.  
> 2: I had a blast writing it. I think Kaiba approves. THAT should tell you something.  
> 3: I feel like I need a "THIS WEEK ON YOUR FAVORITE BAD PORN...~!"  
> 

You were kicked out of Kaiba's office before you even had time to locate your bra. The rest of your clothing was neatly piled thanks to your careful stripping, but he'd tossed your bra somewhere and had refused to give you time to search for it before having you escorted off the premises.

So you were now wandering around the streets of Domino, braless.

You could go home and put another bra on. That was what you probably should do. Except you had a feeling that being braless might help you get laid. So you opted to walk to a bar instead.

Yes, walk. Kaiba refused to give you a ride back home. Apparently you were given a ride to his estate, but the moment you laughed at his green hair you had to walk yourself home. It was unfair. If he wasn't going to screw you senseless the least he could do was give you a ride, but you weren't in a position to argue your point with him.

So you found your way to the nearest bar on foot. Thank you phone GPS.

The moment you walked into the bar you checked the place out. It was a weekday and not as busy as you hoped. You almost left before you noticed the very tall blond leaning against the bar. He seemed to be watching the room too. As you made your way over to him, you wondered if he was looking for a woman to take home tonight.

Not wearing a bra made you feel brazen. You walked right up to him. Your approach gained his attention but that wasn't enough. So, smirking, you placed your hands on the bar and pinned him to it. “You look like a man who knows how to show a woman a good time,” you purred as you pressed your chest against him.

His jaw dropped and he gaped at you in silence. You arched your back, rubbing your unbound breasts against him so he could feel them properly, and he let out a little groan.

“Or am I wrong? Would you even know what to do with me?”

All men could appreciate a challenge and this one was no exception. One of his arms wrapped around your waist, pulling your entire body flush against him. “I know what to do with you. My place or yours?”

“Mine isn't very close,” you whispered into his ear. Hopefully his was nearby. You didn't know how much longer you could take this constant desire. You might just shove him into a dark alleyway.

“Follow me.” He pulled you off of him so he could turn toward the bar and throw down some money for his tab. Then he grabbed your hand and led you out of the bar.

Luckily, his place wasn't very far at all. You were already touching him all over and running your hands under his shirt by the time the two of you made it there. He unlocked the door and you jumped on him before the two of you even cleared the doorway. You latched onto his neck, sucking and kissing on it, as he kicked the door shut.

“Tristan? You home man?” His voice sounded strained, but the words came out clearly.

You pulled away a little. “Who's Tristan?”

“My roommate. Don't worry, he's not home.”

You went back to attacking his neck. You wouldn't have worried even if this Tristan were home. In the state you were in you probably would have invited him to join in on the fun. The blond made it as far as the couch before falling over with you on top of him. Your hands pushed under his shirt, running along his chest, as he began to pull off your top. Once your top was off he began to palm your breasts.

You moaned and arched into his hand. That felt so nice. Except you weren't in the mood for foreplay right now. You just wanted to fuck him. So you focused your efforts on undoing his pants.

The pants and boxers were both pushed down, and you were rewarded with...

A massive, fluffy clump of blond hair.

There was just so much of it! You stared at it blankly for a moment before asking, “How am I supposed to find your dick in that?” You sat back. “Man I have to apologize to Seto Kaiba. THIS is a real bush. At least his dick was still prominent.”

The blond shoved you off and ran away. Based on the slamming of the door you would guess that he was locking himself into another room. You leaned back into his couch and hoped he wasn't about to _cry_ or something. “Come back!” you whined. “We can always shave it!” 


	4. Overcompensation [Tristan]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is either going to be hilarious or the stupidest thing you've ever read. Who knows.

You were faced with a conundrum. You were sitting on a couch, shirtless and so very wet. Was there something wrong with just wanting a good fuck? You didn't think the boy would be coming back but you didn't want to go anywhere in your current state. You might just jump the first man you saw.

The twist of the door handle got your attention. You turned to look at the nearby door as it opened and another man came in.

You smirked as he looked over at you. You stuck out your chest for his eyes to feast upon. “Tristan, I presume?”

His eyes stayed firmly locked on your chest. “Uh, Joey?!”

“He's hiding in his room.” You probably shouldn't reveal why. “I'm a present for you.”

The boy was still standing in the doorway and staring at you. You wondered if he even knew what to do with a woman. It didn't seem like he did.

So you rose from the couch and approached him. You tried to look seductive as you did so, but you weren't sure if you were pulling it off or not. You placed a hand on his shoulder as you pushed the door closed. “Why don't you join me on the couch?” you whispered into his ear.

He swallowed and nodded, possibly incapable of speech. You grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him over to the couch. You didn't care if he was mute as long as he could get you off.

You shoved him down to the couch. Your hands went straight for his pants. He still seemed surprised so you grabbed one of his hands and placed it over a breast. You squeezed his hand, indicating that he could feel them.

His hands ran over your body and you were pleased he was finally responding.

Now to see what he had downstairs. You looked away as you pulled his pants and boxers down. You slowly looked down to his hips... and your jaw dropped.

You'd braced yourself for something weird but not for something this weird. Instead of a normal patch of hair... Instead of a patch of hair... He had a spike of hair.

No. Not a tuft. A spike.

You reached down and poked the long spike of hair. It was stiff. _Did he use hairspray or something to get it like this_? It was like he had a second dick or something. “What is this?”

“Don't you think it looks cool?”

You stood and started to look for your shirt. This was just too weird for you. Plus the guy had an annoying voice. “Nevermind. I'm just going to go now.” You threw your shirt on and let yourself out. You weren't that hard up.

Who would ever think that something that stupid would look cool? It got your attention, but not in a good way. He looked like he was overcompensating.

You stuck your head back in the doorway. “By the way, it totally makes your dick look smaller in comparison.”




End file.
